To celebrate St. Georges day, which for all those who don’t know (i.e. the English) was on Sunday, we have posted a short guide to: DEFINITIONS OF METAL’S COMPLEX SUBGENRES * Power Metal The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest. * Thrash Metal The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her. * Heavy Metal The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess. * Folk Metal The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave…….. without the princess. * Viking Metal The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving. * Death Metal The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves. * Black Metal The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon. * Gore Metal The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time. * Doom Metal The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That’s the end of the sad story. * Progressive Metal The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess’ bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the ‘Heavy Metal’ protagonist. * Glam Metal The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy’s appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess’ make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour. * Nu Metal The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire Disclaimer: This post is not a representation of the views or opinions of Roadrunner Records. We just thought it was quite funny.